Snot-Gobblers and Scab-Munchers

Why are some people so disgusting?

Gobbing in the street in front of everybody else. Gargling up a gloop of phlegm to hoik out onto the pavement for all to see and hear. Happens all the time in London. And it’s usually the Arabs, or the Romanians. That’s not racist, it’s just fact.

The other day, I heard the sound of snot blowing out of a nose at speed. I looked round to see some bloke leaning forward, emptying each nostril in turn across the pavement. Great. Finger closing one side as he snorted it all out of the other, and vice-versa. In the middle of the shopping area, with no concern for public decency or manners. What a pity the wind didn’t catch it and flip the trail of snot down his clothes.

OK, I put my hands up now – I do enjoy the occasional fart in public. Usually only if it is done to embarrass the wife. I usually pump out a corker when we’re in town and then give her a clip across the back of the head and call her a ‘dirty bugger’. That’s just good clean harmless fun.

But snotting in public? What’s even worse, as I’ve witnessed on occasion, is snot-gobbling. Years ago, I remember seeing a mature professional in a suit, waiting at the traffic lights in his car, while digging out bogies. To my amazement, he was inspecting them and then popping them into his mouth. What kind of grown man eats mucas?

But just as bad, possibly even worse, was seeing a big bruiser of a bloke with a terrible flakey skin condition on his face (red and blotchy) – possibly a Pole, or other Eastern European – walking along towards me near Wembley Park tube, picking bits off his face and popping them into his mouth. For Fuck’s sake.

I’m writing this sitting in an airport restaurant in Houston, Texas, and across the table from me is a middle-aged businessman sitting with his laptop and a burger, letting out the occasional belch.

And I thought that kind of behaviour was reserved for Indian restaurant after a night on the piss. Standards are dropping – that’s for sure.

Bill Turnip