SNOW

It’s good to have a bit of snow in winter. Restores my faith in the seasons. With all this global warming shit, I worry that a mild winter means a crap summer, with everything being fucked up – pissing with rain all through August, hot as hell in March, and T-shirt weather in December. It’s supposed to be cold in winter and a bit of snow confirms that.

Trouble is, it makes a bollocks of everything. Can’t get to work, can’t get the kids to school – they are all shut. Everyone becomes stupid. We all know that after a couple of days or so, the main roads at least, will be usable, and the real problems are confined to the housing estates and country lanes. So what is it with people who go to the supermarket and empty the place of bread and milk?

I nipped into Morrisons to pick up a couple of pints as we were getting low, and there wasn’t a single fucking drop of the stuff – not even skimmed milk, or that fake soya stuff whatever it is. I didn’t bother looking for the UHT shite. Then I went over to the bread aisle. Not one solitary fucking bun, let alone a bag of crappy white sliced shit.

Morons! I hope they got home with all this stuff and found they had no room in the freezer and it all went mouldy. You’d think it was the end of the world. Panic buyers – what a load of twats.

Doesn’t bother me. I had a tin of milk powder in the cupboard anyway, plus I have a bread machine, which I much prefer over the bought stuff anyway – it’s cheaper and tastes better and doesn’t contain all that preservative and shit they put in the factory stuff.

A mate of mine was talking to me about bread machines. Said he used his once, but the bread went stale after a couple of days. I said, “Yeah, and?” He said he preferred the shop stuff because it was less faff and it stayed fresh for a week. I pointed out that bread was supposed to go stale and should be eaten fresh. The only reason shop bread doesn’t go stale quickly, is because it is full of preservative chemicals, anti-oxidants and all kinds of shit that doesn’t come under the heading of ‘food’.

Anyway, empty supermarkets was a good reason to start eating some of the crap that has been clogging up the freezer for months. You know, the stuff you keep pulling out and looking at, then thinking, ‘fuck it’ and shoving it back in there for another day when you’re more desperate, or inspired to do something clever with it, like make a special sauce and roast some exotic vegetables or some such fancy Ramsay-esque time-wasting nonsense.

Didn’t go sledging this time, and I didn’t even take a single picture of the white stuff. Bit ashamed of myself really. My kid went sledging with her mates, so that was fine, but I used my still buggered up knee as an excuse not to bother.

What irritated me about the snow, apart from slipping up on my fat arse as I left the London digs to go to work, was all the idiot drivers, stuck in the queue of traffic going nowhere over the fresh snowfall on top of the packed down stuff from the previous week. So many of them had not bothered to wipe the snow off their cars, and were driving with no vision out of the rear and side windows. They relied on the front windscreen wipers to give them a view out of the car, but those with no rear wipers, hadn’t even taken the trouble to brush it off before leaving their drive. Partial forward vision only.

What is wrong with these assholes?

Lazy bastards with no common sense, afraid of getting their pinkies cold. Twats, all of them.


Bill Turnip