And they wonder why going to the pictures is in decline.
I use the word 'pictures' intentionally, by the way. Too many people these days call it the 'movies'. Fucking Americanisms creeping into our language all the time. It's the 'pictures' or the 'flicks', OK?
Went to see 'The Road' last night. Wednesdays is the only day we go now, because we can do that Orange Wednesday thing and get a BOGOF. Just as well it's two for one, because the prices seem to have jumped up recently. £7.40 for a ticket - I'm sure it was £6.30 last time I went. That's at least a 15% increase in one hit. Whatever happened to keeping in line with inflation, or simply keeping it affordably attractive during an economic downturn?
Fuckers.
Anyone who has seen The Road will know that it is a pretty sombre affair - not exactly an uplifting film, but one that is probably fairly true to what life might be like in a post-apocalyptic world where nothing works any more and there are no animals or vegetation. Food is scarce and cannibalism is rife. Pretty serious stuff, and a film with an overall effect that requires the viewer to listen to the sparse dialogue carefully and take in all the nuances and atmosphere of the film.
So it beats me why so many twats feel the need to talk all the way through it. What he fuck are they doing in the cinema watching this? Or not watching as it would seem - the glow of mobile phones lighting up little corners of the auditorium constantly. The constant rustle of fucking popcorn in stereo, to the left, right, in front and behind - quadrophonic surround sound irritating popcorn shovelling and sweet wrapper noises, along with people getting up, leaving for a piss or more fucking popcorn, bunches of yoofs at the back mumbling and giggling.
Why don't they go and watch something more appropriate and less cerebrally challenging for them, like Alvin and the Chipmunks or Astro Boy? I reckon they wanted to see Avatar, which was full up, so they plumped for this instead. Bastards.
And it's not just the kids. Two old biddies sat behind us in the back row, giving a running commentary. The opening shots of the film were flowers and garden vegetation. The old woman asks, in her broad Somerset accent, "Where's this s'posed to be to? Is it 'Murricah? Reckon it might be Florida, looking at they flowers". And later, during a scene where a family meets up with the survivor kid, "Oh, they've got a dog, too, look."
I can't deal with all this shit. All I want to do is sit down in comfort and watch and listen. I don't want to talk to anybody and i certainly don't want to listen to all that shit. Noisy food should be banned from cinemas. Noisy people should be kicked out and banned for life. Why don't they just wait till it comes out on dvd and then they can fuck it up for everybody in their own homes and leave the rest of us to enjoy the cinema experience uninterrupted.
Fat chance of that ever happening. Ignorant bastards.
Bill Turnip
Thursday, 28 January 2010
Monday, 25 January 2010
BOG
Why the buggery bollocks should us men have to remember to put the toilet seat down after a piss?
Why can't women remember to leave it UP for us?
And while they're at it, give it a wipe round, because despite the fact they are sitting on it, they still manage to drench the seat with piss. They must have sprinkler attachments.
Bill Turnip
Why can't women remember to leave it UP for us?
And while they're at it, give it a wipe round, because despite the fact they are sitting on it, they still manage to drench the seat with piss. They must have sprinkler attachments.
Bill Turnip
SNOW
It’s good to have a bit of snow in winter. Restores my faith in the seasons. With all this global warming shit, I worry that a mild winter means a crap summer, with everything being fucked up – pissing with rain all through August, hot as hell in March, and T-shirt weather in December. It’s supposed to be cold in winter and a bit of snow confirms that.
Trouble is, it makes a bollocks of everything. Can’t get to work, can’t get the kids to school – they are all shut. Everyone becomes stupid. We all know that after a couple of days or so, the main roads at least, will be usable, and the real problems are confined to the housing estates and country lanes. So what is it with people who go to the supermarket and empty the place of bread and milk?
I nipped into Morrisons to pick up a couple of pints as we were getting low, and there wasn’t a single fucking drop of the stuff – not even skimmed milk, or that fake soya stuff whatever it is. I didn’t bother looking for the UHT shite. Then I went over to the bread aisle. Not one solitary fucking bun, let alone a bag of crappy white sliced shit.
Morons! I hope they got home with all this stuff and found they had no room in the freezer and it all went mouldy. You’d think it was the end of the world. Panic buyers – what a load of twats.
Doesn’t bother me. I had a tin of milk powder in the cupboard anyway, plus I have a bread machine, which I much prefer over the bought stuff anyway – it’s cheaper and tastes better and doesn’t contain all that preservative and shit they put in the factory stuff.
A mate of mine was talking to me about bread machines. Said he used his once, but the bread went stale after a couple of days. I said, “Yeah, and?” He said he preferred the shop stuff because it was less faff and it stayed fresh for a week. I pointed out that bread was supposed to go stale and should be eaten fresh. The only reason shop bread doesn’t go stale quickly, is because it is full of preservative chemicals, anti-oxidants and all kinds of shit that doesn’t come under the heading of ‘food’.
Anyway, empty supermarkets was a good reason to start eating some of the crap that has been clogging up the freezer for months. You know, the stuff you keep pulling out and looking at, then thinking, ‘fuck it’ and shoving it back in there for another day when you’re more desperate, or inspired to do something clever with it, like make a special sauce and roast some exotic vegetables or some such fancy Ramsay-esque time-wasting nonsense.
Didn’t go sledging this time, and I didn’t even take a single picture of the white stuff. Bit ashamed of myself really. My kid went sledging with her mates, so that was fine, but I used my still buggered up knee as an excuse not to bother.
What irritated me about the snow, apart from slipping up on my fat arse as I left the London digs to go to work, was all the idiot drivers, stuck in the queue of traffic going nowhere over the fresh snowfall on top of the packed down stuff from the previous week. So many of them had not bothered to wipe the snow off their cars, and were driving with no vision out of the rear and side windows. They relied on the front windscreen wipers to give them a view out of the car, but those with no rear wipers, hadn’t even taken the trouble to brush it off before leaving their drive. Partial forward vision only.
What is wrong with these assholes?
Lazy bastards with no common sense, afraid of getting their pinkies cold. Twats, all of them.
Bill Turnip
Trouble is, it makes a bollocks of everything. Can’t get to work, can’t get the kids to school – they are all shut. Everyone becomes stupid. We all know that after a couple of days or so, the main roads at least, will be usable, and the real problems are confined to the housing estates and country lanes. So what is it with people who go to the supermarket and empty the place of bread and milk?
I nipped into Morrisons to pick up a couple of pints as we were getting low, and there wasn’t a single fucking drop of the stuff – not even skimmed milk, or that fake soya stuff whatever it is. I didn’t bother looking for the UHT shite. Then I went over to the bread aisle. Not one solitary fucking bun, let alone a bag of crappy white sliced shit.
Morons! I hope they got home with all this stuff and found they had no room in the freezer and it all went mouldy. You’d think it was the end of the world. Panic buyers – what a load of twats.
Doesn’t bother me. I had a tin of milk powder in the cupboard anyway, plus I have a bread machine, which I much prefer over the bought stuff anyway – it’s cheaper and tastes better and doesn’t contain all that preservative and shit they put in the factory stuff.
A mate of mine was talking to me about bread machines. Said he used his once, but the bread went stale after a couple of days. I said, “Yeah, and?” He said he preferred the shop stuff because it was less faff and it stayed fresh for a week. I pointed out that bread was supposed to go stale and should be eaten fresh. The only reason shop bread doesn’t go stale quickly, is because it is full of preservative chemicals, anti-oxidants and all kinds of shit that doesn’t come under the heading of ‘food’.
Anyway, empty supermarkets was a good reason to start eating some of the crap that has been clogging up the freezer for months. You know, the stuff you keep pulling out and looking at, then thinking, ‘fuck it’ and shoving it back in there for another day when you’re more desperate, or inspired to do something clever with it, like make a special sauce and roast some exotic vegetables or some such fancy Ramsay-esque time-wasting nonsense.
Didn’t go sledging this time, and I didn’t even take a single picture of the white stuff. Bit ashamed of myself really. My kid went sledging with her mates, so that was fine, but I used my still buggered up knee as an excuse not to bother.
What irritated me about the snow, apart from slipping up on my fat arse as I left the London digs to go to work, was all the idiot drivers, stuck in the queue of traffic going nowhere over the fresh snowfall on top of the packed down stuff from the previous week. So many of them had not bothered to wipe the snow off their cars, and were driving with no vision out of the rear and side windows. They relied on the front windscreen wipers to give them a view out of the car, but those with no rear wipers, hadn’t even taken the trouble to brush it off before leaving their drive. Partial forward vision only.
What is wrong with these assholes?
Lazy bastards with no common sense, afraid of getting their pinkies cold. Twats, all of them.
Bill Turnip
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
