SLIPPERY WHEN WET

‘Customers should take extra care during wet weather, as platforms and the station concourse can become slippery’

Every few minutes I’m hearing this, while waiting for a tube at Wembley. For fuck’s sake. Now, maybe I’m just old and cynical, but these announcements wouldn’t by any chance be anything to do with covering themselves against compensation claims, now would they?

A bit of ass-covering going on, perhaps? Someone slips up on their arse and tries to sue. But, ‘Your honour, we put out warnings over the Tannoy every 52 seconds during rainy weather’.

Irritates the crap out of me that does.

Of course, if the dozy twats had not laid shiny smooth marble-type floor tiles, but chosen something with a stippled surface, they wouldn't have a problem with punters falling on their arses in the first place. What kind of moron lays a completely smooth glossy floor in a public area that is subject to wet shoes tramping all over it?

I’m in Asda, and they have a conveyor belt that takes you up to the first floor so you can fill your trolley with cheap clothing made by kids in far east sweatshops. As soon as you, or anyone, sets foot on it, the recorded announcement starts up: “WARNING, moving ramp – please take care. For your comfort and safety, please make sure you hold the handrail while in motion’, or some such silly shit.

For my comfort? How is holding on to a handrail while moving at two miles per hour going to make me comfortable? Honestly!

And this message is repeated all the way up this poxy ramp and every time a person steps onto it. If I worked in that shop, anywhere near the ramp to the clothing department, I’m sure I would lose my mind completely. I’d just go berserk after a week of hearing that hundreds of times a day. It’s no wonder the staff all look like fucking zombies.

Add to that, the most awful dreadful wailing pop muzak by Eurovision failures that is piped through the ceiling, and you have a recipe for disaster. Someone will snap one day, and come to work with an automatic weapon and shoot the place up.

Ladies and Gentlemen, for your safety, cctv is in use throughout London Underground. For my safety? Give me a break. They’re just spying on us mate. Fucking cameras everywhere. Until you get your own out of course. “sorry sir, you aren’t allowed to take pictures here.” Why not? ‘security’ OH FUCK OFF!!

In a place, that’s open to the public, where hundreds of cameras are recording our movements, do we really not have the right to take our own pictures? I haven’t given permission for these c*nts to film me, so why should I need their permission to use my own camera? Fuck ‘em.

Can someone tell me what law I’d be breaking? No, of course not – there isn’t one.
London mayor (who actually is quite likeable after Ken) is planning to ban photography on the tube network. You have to pay for a permit. Well, Boris, you can tightly roll up your poxy permit and cram it right up your sphincter.

Bastards

Yours
Bill Turnip