WEEDS

What could be more pleasant than spending a warm Spring Sunday in the garden, with your wife by your side, digging together in readiness for planting out the season's veg?

Sitting in the garden with a Gin and Tonic, watching her dig the fucking weeds out. That's what.

Weeds: fucking pointless.

If there is such a thing as a God, what was he thinking of when he came up with the idea of weeds?

Veg should grow naturally in abundance, without any help from man, without any input whatsoever, or visits to Wilkinsons to buy seeds, in a weed-free environment, and if you want weeds, you should have to plant the fuckers yourself.

Who or what eats or benefits from weeds?

They produce nothing of use or value in the garden. All they fucking produce is a load of other weeds. They strangle my onions, fuck my peas, and generally piss me off. I'm done with weeds.

They're all bastards.

Bill Turnip