Umbrellas

I hate umbrellas.

People with umbrellas don’t look where they are going and don't give a shit whose eyeball they take out with it. They keep the brolly low for maximum rain protection and the spikes on the ends of the brolly are just about at my eye level.

I dodged them for too long.

These days I simply put my arm up to protect my face, often resulting in the thing being almost knocked out of their hand, and hitting somebody else on the other side of them.

Fucking umbrellas. Waste of time. Whatever happened to women wearing those big plastic hankies on their heads? Never used to see women with brollies – they always had those funny bits of plastic over their heads, tied under the chin, keeping their tight perms dry.

They smelt funny.

You picked up this weird wet plasticky smell when you walked near them. Well, I’ve just answered my own question – they don’t wear them any more because they make women smell funny.

Blokes with umbrellas? I’d rather get a soaking than carry an umbrella. It’s a gay thing, I’m sure. The way you hold it probably signifies to other gays what your preferences are - like fisting or rimming.....