REALITY TV

We got one of them there set top box freeview digital decoder thingies a while back.

804 channels and still fuck all worth looking at.

These days I plop myself down in the sofa and point the little doufer, (once I've found the correct doufer, because we have about six of the fuckers - TV, DVD, Stereo, Freeview box, Video, and so on), and find myself cruising through all the channels: Shite - bollocks - shite - crap - more bollocks - cak - shite - same shite as the other channel - crap - garbage.....

The amount of 'reality tv' being shown baffles me.

Where do they drag up all these numpties from?

Big Brother: Big Bollocks.
America's next top model: America's next vacuous bimbo
Masterchef: Masturbate, more like

Yeah, Masterchef. Let's watch a load of sweaty fuckers cooking weird shit while a couple of very loud-talking blokes with quizzical expressions stand around watching and yelling stuff like, "LET'S SEE IF HE'S GOT WHAT IT TAKES TO WORK UNDER PRESSURE IN A BUSY PROFESSIONAL KITCHEN." and, "WHERE'S THE PASSION - I'M NOT SEEING ANY REAL PASSION IN THIS FOOD. IT'S BLAND!"

Just the other day, some show - didn't catch the name - but must have been something like 'Ordinary Fat Birds Trying To Become Top Models'. They line up the remaining three and some bimbo who calls them 'moddoles' says, "the person....going home.....this week.............is......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................Kirsty".

And one of the others is now off to San Francisco to do a modelling assignment with a photographer who says 'awesome' all the time. Before she sets off, she is interviewed and tells us: "Oh I'm like really excited - I've never like been to America before. And I've never been to San Francisco, either."

Well, darling, it stands to reason that if you haven't been to America before, you certainly won't have been to San Francisco.

DUH!!!!

There is even this: I Want to Be a Hilton - a reality series hosted by Kathy Hilton, Paris' mom. For fuck's sake.

Wife Swap: don't fancy yours much.

Let's see what happens when some posh bint has to slum it with a family of slack-jawed mouth-breathers who live on a diet of pizza and chips and spend their days in front of an X-Box while Dad sits around in a vest and expects the posh bint to fetch him beer out of the fridge. Meantime Mrs Slob looks in awe at the extravagant surroundings she finds herself in, refuses to clean up, or cook fresh food, and serves up microwave pizza and chips because she can't be arsed. Then when it's all over, they all meet up in a room somewhere and start bitching at each other. How predictable.

Too many channels with too much programming time to fill can only lead to one thing: cheap telly with low budget low production value shite, shot on handycams, narrated by some Geordie twat, padded out over six boring episodes, sucking on the budget for proper programmes and diluting the overall quality of TV content.

OK yes, a lot of telly in the 70s and 80s was shite, I mean, you've only got to look at stuff like 'The Professionals' now being regurgitated on one of the digital channels. Or the 'A Team' - the same stupid story week in and week out.

But frankly, I'm at the point now where I'd rather get the news from radio and internet, and ditch the telly completely. I'd just watch good films on DVD and forget about it all - save the £139.50 license fee. Unfortunately the wife doesn't see it my way. She likes some of that shit.

Except, there's another thing - as soon as you cancel the license, the bastards will be sending you letters and threatening you with court action because you don't have a license. Every few weeks you will receive the red letter warning you that you are breaking the law and due for a severe penalty. It happened to me when we were doing up a house over long period. I rang them after getting the letters to tell them we didn't even have water, electricity, plaster on the walls, or a toilet, let alone a telly. It made no difference - a couple of months later it started up again. Every couple of weeks, another threatening letter. My poor old 90 year old neighbour had nevr owned a telly in his life. He must have suffered the same harassment for years.

Well bring it on I say. Take me to court - I'll have my day. My own brother is going through exactly the same thing right now - he doesn't have telly, but he is being threatened with imminent court action. Fuck 'em. Bring it on. Then sue for harassment and stress brought on by continuing threats from the BBfuckingC. Why must they assume everybody in the country watches their shitty telly? In their view, it seems we are guilty until we prove ourselves innocent. Well fuck off and and prove that I DO have a telly before you start sending me this shit.

I'm off to lie down for a while now.